No Spanish today; I don’t quite have the energy to translate what I want to say.
I have to be brutally honest with myself, and admit that I haven’t been doing nearly enough work at finding work. Part of this is because the entire prospect is terrifying. Part of this is because I’ve had it easy so far in life–I’m smart and a hard worker, at least when it comes to school work, so getting to where I wanted to in academia wasn’t usually too much of a problem. But I’m not dealing with academia any more, and finding a job is hard, especially in this economy. I need to be spending several hours every day applying for positions, not the few hours per week I’ve managed to cajole myself into thus far.
It’s hard to admit that I’ve been lazy, that I’ve been expecting things to just magically work out because I’ve been spoiled thus far. I’m very good at feeling guilty, at beating myself up over my faults. Being aware of my faults and my mistakes is a good thing. But I need to learn to turn that awareness into determination to do better in the future, rather than blame and self-loathing.
The most rewarding accomplishments are the ones that require the most effort. I think I need to paint this in foot-high letters on my wall.
The guilt and self-loathing and fear are miserable, but in a way they’re better than the alternative. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid dealing with this that I numbed myself. I’ve lived the past few months in a stupor. And with that stupor comes depression, and with depression comes a great danger: tunnel vision.
I’m a worse driver when I’m depressed. I get literal tunnel vision–my eyes move around less, and I’m much less aware of things happening at the edges of my field of view.
But depression brings mental tunnel vision, too. I’ve been so anxious about all of this that my focus narrowed in on one particular kind of job–a science teaching position in a private school–which there aren’t that many of this late in the hiring season. I haven’t been pursuing sub work, or tutoring, or volunteering, or working at a museum/planetarium/outreach center, or finding some other position that will strengthen my resume in terms of experience working with people in general and high school students in particular. Or even just finding some form of paying employment and working hard on a plan for the future.
I’ve been giving up too easily, and I need to stop that. Because what I’ve been doing–or rather, what I haven’t been doing–has been making me miserable, and everyone around me sees it. I’m stuck. I’m static. I’m going nowhere, and I hate it. My life got pretty seriously derailed about a year ago, and I thought I had gotten it back on track…but I haven’t gotten back up to full steam. And it’s time I changed that.
I am changing that. I’m expanding my search, drawing on all the contacts in the science/education/young adult community I can think of, applying for a position as a barista, contacting the Milwaukee planetarium, applying for a position in Missouri (I actually really want the job. I think it would be a really interesting experience). I just need to keep doing that until I get somewhere.
And I need to seriously look at what it takes to get certified as a teacher, and where would be best to do that, and when would be best to do it.
I’ve been stuck in this pit of fear and depression and maybe-if-I-hide-it-will-go-away, but I’m starting to claw my way out. For right now, I don’t care about the destination–I just need to be going somewhere.
The cat on my kidney will be very helpful in this process…