Starship Troopers has the dubious honor of being the earliest Hugo to receive a film adaptation (thought it was not the first Hugo film adaptation made; David Lynch’s 1984 Dune holds that distinction). As part of the ongoing Hugo Project, I decided to watch the movie…so that you don’t have to. Seriously, y’all, it sucks.
Instead of suffering through it on your own, please enjoy my semi-hysterical, stream-of-consciousness reactions. By the end of this blog post, you will understand this movie about as well as anyone can possibly hope to.
Oh man, the 90s! I do love the B5-esque menu-style news.
Clearly this is going to be about THE BUGS, not citizenship or anything else vaguely resembling an Idea.
NPH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Do we really need a bitchy catfight this early in the movie?
NPH WHY DO YOU HAVE A FERRET
Ooh, hey, coed football! Except the cheerleaders are all girls…
Hormones. So many hormones.
The future has really bad taste in music.
NPH I LOVE YOU
Oh my god this movie is awful
Okay, so Johnny is kinda adorable in love
WHY ARE WE GIVING MACHINE GUNS TO CHILDREN THIS IS NOT OKAY
DETECTIVE LASSITER IS A PSYCHIC WITH THREE EYES
Did we just censor the death of a cow?
But we don’t censor a field of dismembered civilians?
Seriously? Could we be any less subtle about the white dudes as saviors of the poor women and colored folks?
Coed showers. Lots of naked people.
The girls can beat the guys…but only if the girls are white and the guys are MoC. Fail.
Okay, the orbital ring is kind of awesome.
Friendly fire is a mistake by a WoC. Because of course it is.
Oh good, they left in the corporal punishment. On the other hand, kinda love shirtless Johnny restrained…
Also he’s being whipped by the black guy, at the white guy’s orders. So many Unfortunate Implications.
…they’re only allowed to use the main propulsion rockets in case of emergency? Like, she had to smash the case over the big red button?
Wait, his father disowned him but now they’re chatting merrily? Did I miss something?
Why is everyone in Buenos Ares white?
I’m gonna drop out! No wait I changed my mind! Okay we’ll let you stay because it’s your family!
OMG NPH IN PSA LOOKS LIKE DR HORRIBLE
Can’t tell if mocking or embracing fascism…
Why does everyone in this movie have blue eyes?
That’s a really ugly tattoo.
Oh for gods sakes just have an orgy already
Wait, I get distracted for 20 seconds and the entire federal fleet is in a pileup?
Gods these special effects are awful
“I dunno what to do!”
“Kill them! Kill them all!”
Aaaaand the asian guy lost a leg (but isn’t bleeding?). And now he’s dead!
Wait do only white people bleed?
Hey, the white dude failed! Get a black chick on the job! Hey, she wants to UNDERSTAND the enemy! So do the female scholars but not the males. So they’re keeping the gender essentialism from the novel. That and the corporal punishment. Fantastic.
Nice package, Johnny. Sheesh…
Oh look it’s an angry black woman.
Why does every white dude in this movie have a cadre of loyal black folk?
We’re using nukes and everyone has bare arms…this is an excellent plan.
WHERE ARE THE AWESOME METAL GORILLA COMBAT SUITS??
Character who keeps shooting dead bug…PoC. Can one of the white people please freak out and/or make a mistake?
Wait where did megabug come from?
Okay, that was kinda badass. Shoot a hole in megabug’s carapace, hold on by clinging to the edge of said hole, jam grenade in the hole, blow up bug.
Not going to lie; I kind of want the neon-green fiber optic violin.
Yes, Johnny. Send the black dude to get beer while you steal the girl for a slow dance.
This is an incredibly unsexy sex scene. Also does nobody wear bras in the army?
Johnny says ‘I love you’; Carmen expected to reciprocate. Dizzy says ‘I love you’; Johnny not expected to reciprocate.
What the hell, the war can wait while you two fuck.
Wait flying bug? At least he kidnapped a white guy this time.
“It sucked his brains out!”
GRATUITOUS SLIME SQUICK
Why is the general losing his shit? HOW DID YOU GET TO BE A GENERAL?
Those flying bugs are kinda cool.
Actually the bugs are pretty good; it’s every other bit of CGI that sucks.
WHY DOES NOBODY IN THIS MOVIE BLEED?
Megabug II: REVENGE OF THE MEGABUGS wait did it seriously just catch that grenade in it’s mouth? Like some kind of seriously stupid retriever?
No don’t pull that out you idiot, it’s stopping the bleeding.
Megabug III: THIS TIME HE’S ANGRY. And breathing fire? Or was that something else? Damn you confusing awful – No, it’s definitely breathing fire. WHY WOULD A BUG BREATHE FIRE?
Oh for frak’s sake die already then Johnny can have Denise Richards STOP THE SAPPY. Why are you asking him to let you go it’s not like he’s magically forcing you to stay alive. Unless he is, in which case, that’s messed up.
Hmm, the rough-n-ready chicks all die but the command chicks live.
God that is an ugly dress uniform. WTF is going on with that tie?
Why is all the tech in this movie made of legos?
NPH GOT ALL BADASS AND WAR-HARDENED. ALSO SINCE WHEN ARE 18-YEAR-OLDS COLONELS? EVEN IF THEY ARE NPH.
Then again, all the command staff is dying so I guess the teenagers are the only people left.
YAY DENISE RICHARDS GETS A GUN
Oh good The Other Man is dying
I MAKE THE TOUGH DECISIONS TO ABANDON MY ONE TRUE LOVE TO BE IMPALED BY THE BUGS FEEL MY MANPAIN
Not gonna lie kinda rooting for the bugs
Wait the brain bug is seriously just a giant brain with eyes that the other bugs have to cary around
PROBE THE OTHER MAN! PROBE HIM! STAB HIM IN THE BRAIN! BUG VICTORY!
Oh gods he’s actually stucking his brain out through a straw.
Go Denise go! Cut off the probe!
“You’re some kinda big fat smart bug, aren’t you?” So not badass. Come on, Johnny.
Aaaand black dude sacrificing himself so the others can escape…check.
OH MY GODS EMO DR HORRIBLE
WHO CAN READ ALIEN MINDS
“It’s afraid!” CHEERS!!! Because our goal for this entire movie was to make one of the bugs scared! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! WOOHOO!!!
What, no kiss at the end?
This movie is full of fail.
If all this insanity hasn’t scared you away, please come back next Monday for a more serious (if blasphemous) review of A Canticle for Leibowitz. And there are many, many books (and movies) to come as I continue my trek through sixty-odd years of SF classics!